Chapter 32: Laszlo

As you can imagine there were quite a few crazy characters who came in while Sara was working at the sex shop. There was none other more notorious than an overweight white guy in his forties named Laszlo.

Laszlo loved porn. He also apparently loved pills and weed. He came into the sex shop floating around like he was high off his ass. At any moment he looked as if he could fall over.

Sara and her coworkers used to watch him walk around the store on the security cameras and try to avoid him. He was a friendly guy, but he talked like someone who was fucked up on pills or really drunk. He talked really slow, sometimes mumbling.

Talking to Laszlo was like talking to an outgoing positive version of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. He talked in that same slow monotone voice.

Sara used to like working weekend nights. It was when the store was most busy. One night when Sara was working late Laszlo showed up. He was walking around the store and managed to fall down and knock a DVD display over on top of himself.

Laszlo had attempted to take his wallet out of his pocket and his pants were too tight. He struggled for five minutes just to get his hand in and out of his pocket. From the wrong angle it must have looked like he was jerking off. When he finally got the wallet out it flew out of his hands and onto the floor.

Laszlo attempted to lean over and pick up his wallet. He lost his balance because he was on drugs and fell over grabbing the shelf as he went down. He fell on the floor with a shelf and a hundred porn DVDs on top of him.

Sara told me they saw the whole thing play by play on the camera, but no one wanted to go out there and clean it up or help him. Laszlo laid on the floor for about ten minutes.

Laszlo started calling for Sara’s coworker. He apparently thought Sara’s coworker’s name was David. It was not. It was not even close to David. It was Andrew.

Laszlo calls out like a wounded animal, “David!”

Laszlo waits about 30 seconds and then calls again, “David!”

Sara’s coworker shouted back “My name’s not David!”

Laszlo paused for a bit longer and then continued “David!”

This went on for about ten minutes before Sara got sick of it and went over to help him. Everyone else just hid in the back office.

Sara helped him up and cleaned up the shelf and DVDs. Laszlo thanked her and immediately left.

The following week Sara overheard Laszlo and her coworker “Not David” arguing about weed. Laszlo bought his weed from him usually but “Not David was sick of dealing with him acting fucked up in the store.

“Not David” told Laszlo:

"Sara and her boyfriend sell weed! Go ask her for weed!"

This began my adventures with Laszlo.

Sara gave Laszlo my phone number. I was not selling weed at the time, but I agreed if Laszlo gave me his money I would go inside dispensaries and buy weed for Laszlo. In return he started buying me weed and food.

Laszlo would give me $100-200 a week to spend at the dispensary. Out of each $100 he spent; he always gave me $20 worth. Laszlo would drive me to different dispensaries, and it gave me a chance to see what other shops had as far as pricing and quality. I felt like a weed secret shopper.

I lived across the street from a Papa John's Pizza. Laszlo would say he was hungry and stop at Papa Johns before dropping me off. He would ask what pizza topping I liked and buy me my own large pizza.

Laszlo also had a habit of giving me different calendars as well. He would just show up to pick me up to go to a dispensary and he would have new calendar for me. They were always for the year before and essentially expired. I have no idea what the deal with the calendars was.

Where he got them or why he kept giving them to me?

I started to get to know Laszlo and discovered he was filthy rich. He lived in a wealthy neighborhood not far from where Sara and I lived called Palos Verdes.

Laszlo’s father had been a professional athlete and owned some successful business.

Laszlo lived by himself in a giant mansion with a view of Los Angeles. He did not work; he had a large monthly allowance instead. His father had passed away a decade earlier and Laszlo received an inheritance. It was just limited for his own protection.

He had a prescription from a bootleg doctor for all kinds of pills. Xanax, Oxycodone, Klonopin. He took them all at once and then smoked a bunch of weed every day. He was so high he basically just floated around each day without a care in the world.

More often than not Laszlo drove me to the dispensary when he wanted something. Riding in the car when he was driving was scary. Laszlo made turns from lanes that were not turn lanes. He drove dangerously fast or dangerously slow there was no in-between.

On the freeway he would jump in and out of the express lane. He once plowed through a toll road gate without paying while I was in the car with him. He just kept going and did not give a fuck. A few minutes later he had already forgotten.

When we got back to his house, he saw the damage on the front of his car and was convinced someone backed into him while he was parked outside the dispensary.

Every week it became a routine. Laszlo would call me, obviously I would know it was him because I had his number saved in my phone.

Every time he acted like I did not know it was him when I answered.

He would tell me “Hey Jay, it’s me, Lasz-loooow!”

He said the same thing over and over every week. I would put him on speaker and Sara, and I started imitating him.

Sometimes Laszlo would be so fucked up he would forget my name and called me Jared.

Even though I 100% knew it was Laszlo, and he was calling for me, if he asked for Jared or called me Jared, I told him he had the wrong number and hung up on him.

I started to understand why “Not David” was so mad.

Laszlo was always inviting us over to his house to smoke and hang out. On occasion he spent extra money on some really good weed at the dispensary, and I wanted to try it, so I agreed to come over.

Sara and I got his address and discovered he’s a secret millionaire or whatever.

We get to his house and outside the door was a pile of shoes lined up neatly. There was one pair of men’s shoes, one pair of women’s shoes and one pair of kid’s shoes.

We knew Laszlo was not married and he did not have kids, so we thought we were at the wrong house.

He came to the door moments before we were about to turn around and leave. To this day we still have no idea why he had those shoes outside.

Laszlo came to the door in a robe. We were inside for a good five minutes, and it was too late before we discovered he was naked under the robe. The robe popped open as he stumbled over to sit on the couch and we saw everything.

Laszlo had a beautiful view of the ocean and L.A. from his balcony, and he told us he went out there every morning wearing his robe. We could only imagine what the neighbors had seen.

On the Television Laszlo had the Tommy movie made by the band The Who playing.

Despite the horror of hanging with Laszlo Sara was always trying to get him to sell her pills, so we unfortunately went to his house a few times.

Every time he was wearing that robe watching the movie, Tommy. Every time it always seemed to be on that scene where the woman is eating beans.

Like clockwork he set the movie up beforehand every time we came over. It was weird even for him.

One day when we came over, Laszlo had a big burn on his leg.

It looked really bad like he needed to go to the hospital. We asked him what happened, and he said he was cooking, and he fell asleep which only raised more questions.

How the fuck do you fall asleep cooking and burn your leg? Laszlo insisted he was fine, and no hospital or doctor was needed.

Laszlo was a weird, drugged out guy, but for the most part he seemed like he had a good heart.

Laszlo always took care of me when I bought weed for him. He always made it worth my time.

Our arrangement went on for at least six months. Then one day Laszlo calls me on the phone and tells me his mother hired a private investigator to spy on him and uncover who is getting him weed.

Laszlo said he had seen the guy outside his house and noticed him following on his usual trip to the sex shop.

We both agreed that it would be a good time to lay low.

A few days later Laszlo called me acting like normal planning to get some weed.

I ask him “what about the private investigator?”

Laszlo had forgot he told me about it. Then he tried to convince me it was not a big deal and to still meet up.

I told Laszlo I could no longer get him weed. He did not take it well.

He kept calling me days later forgetting we had talked and I knew about the private investigator and I had to tell him over and over to stop calling me.

Eventually I sent Laszlo the address for the doctor I got my medical marijuana certificate from in Venice and told him to get his own medical card.

I suggested maybe his mother would back off if he had a legal medical marijuana recommendation. He thanked me and I never heard from him again.

Chapter 32: The Fetish Chamber